It is true that we all have an inner GPS, & that no external influence is necessary to guide us through life - we will get where we need to be sooner or later, we need to be authentic to ourselves, yadda yadda yadda. But in my experience, a guru's grace is invaluable. In any relationship, love is the most vital ingredient; & the student-teacher one is no exception. A real guru's love is such that he always has the student's ultimate welfare in mind, even though it may not be apparent, or may even seem otherwise. He does not create a bondage out of his students. He gives the student the joy of their own freedom & independence. After teaching for two years, I now appreciate the presence of the guru more. Today I suddenly remembered the last day of my first Teacher Training course back in 2014. We were having a sharing session, & I said, 'I don't know what to say, but...my life is the proof of his teachings.' Oh fuck, if only I knew what that would entail in the years to come! Bahahahah! Somehow, I've always had this sick satisfaction when being disturbed by my guru, even though I may not have shown it or sometimes may not even have been aware of it. Never could put a finger on it until now. Damn. You never know when & how a guru is imparting his teachings to you. If you are unaware, or 'asleep', so to say, you may miss the lesson. & the lesson isn't always pleasant, it can seem like a swift jab in the eyeballs! I'm no guru, & don't intend to be one. In fact, the mere thought of being a guru scares the shit out of me, because it is a very heavy responsibility. Out of love, the guru carries a big responsibility towards his students, & is there any rest when it comes to love? Eh, tired you know! I imagine it's probably something like taking care of an infant, you need to always be on the lookout for the brat to make sure nothing goes horribly wrong, yet allow them the freedom to learn/explore by themselves…oh damn, my brain feels fried already! As humans, it is not always easy to accept the fact that we can't please everyone all the time. & as a teacher, I had to learn to accept criticism, be it constructive or otherwise. I had to learn that everyone is on different paths in life, & that what I have to offer will not be accepted by everyone. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received about teaching is that if out of a thousand people, I positively affect the life of even just one…just *one* person, it is more enough. & boy is that true. That feeling that I get when a student *finally* understands, & the happiness of watching a student's asana practice go beautifully, that feeling of actually observing someone's life change for the better...to me, that is the real joy of teaching. & this is also why when I think of my guru, tears of gratitude start pouring down. Because it was he who made me the person I am today. My understanding of what a guru is? Well, a guru is a God. But then again, God is in everyone & everything. What makes a guru different is that somehow, by some crazy crossing of the stars & planets, this particular person has been brought into my life so that God can work His way to me. A guru is an instrument of God. He is a godsend. A guru is to be adored, without forgetting that he too is human, that he too has his own path, that he is just a medium. He is not to be worshiped as God Himself. He is not to be put on a pedestal. The student-teacher relationship, like any other relationship, is a volatile dynamic. It isn't necessarily a life-long relationship. The guru isn't obliged to be with you throughout your life, & you aren't obliged to follow him forever. Some gurus just show up at important points of your life, then disappear forever. Even if sometimes you think he is against you, a guru has your best interest at heart. Out of compassion, a guru can kill you, because he knows that this 'you' needs to die before the real you emerges. & you may never know what he is teaching you, until yonks later. & then you laugh & think to yourself, 'Why my teacher like this ah???' Bahahahahah! If I really had to put it in simple words: A guru is the truest friend you will ever have. A guru does not necessarily have to be a teacher by profession. You can find a guru in a friend, in a parent, heck, one of the greatest gurus is nature herself! Gurus don't necessarily stay with you long, sometimes they are there for just a second. Sometimes a friend can be a guru, through sharing of each other's journeys, or through a shared life experience. I must have done something right in a past life to have crossed paths with many great people in this lifetime. But the biggest blessing is to have met a true guru. A guru is not a crutch, he is a bridge. - Sadhguru - Gratitude for the guru's grace & blessings.
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Do you know what happens when you decide to stop worrying about what other people might think of you? You get to dance. You get to sing. You get to laugh loudly, paint, write & create. You get to be yourself. & you know what? Some people won't like you. Some will laugh or mock or point out flaws. But it just won't bother you all that much. - Doe Zantamanta - Freedom. This word has been resounding in my brain for the past few weeks. Freedom. Finally. I kicked, screamed, & fought to be kept in my prison cell. I held the door shut, although it was never closed. If left alone, it would slowly open wide. Yep, it was one of those doors. Yet here I am today. I know what it is like to go through that period of denial & blind stubbornness. It was the most unpleasant thing I've had to go through. But it was also the most necessary, & the best. Freedom is not a forgoing of responsibilities. On the contrary, it is the biggest responsibility you will ever carry throughout your life. To be fully accountable to yourself for your actions & inactions. To say, 'yes, this is for me,' or 'no, this is not for me'. To not place the blame on others when things don't turn out right. Freedom is doing what is best for you, regardless of whatever the hell others may think. Goddamn it I'm so damn tired of blind compassion. It isn't my goddamn job to analyze others' past traumas. I wasn't put here to help others through their shit, at the expense of my well-being. My life isn't to help others live theirs. I'm here to live my life. They said I was crazy. One said I was 'domesticated'. The thing is, they didn't know the meaning of 'tame'. You see, the wild ones aren't always easily recognizable. They are not always the all-up-in-your-face, crazy-bitch-break-your-windows kind. They are the ones who you will never be able to fully understand. They are the ones who will sometimes seem to give you the most problems. They will tell you when you are full of shit. & sometimes when you are too full of shit to see that you are full of shit, they won't even bother telling you you're full of shit. Because what would be the point? You will try to undermine their talents & strengths. You will try to trample on their opportunities, critique their passions & hobbies; & confine them into a box. You will withhold praise during times of success, & kick sand in their face when they hit rock bottom. They will take all of these in stride, & may even give you the joy of having the upper hand for some time. Enough. We want what we want. We cannot be restricted by the boundaries of what you think is right & wrong. We do not play by your rules. We cannot be predicted. We dance to the rhythm of our own heartbeats. We are the ones for whom the drums are played for. We dive deep. We cannot comply to your conventional idea of 'beauty', as we see the unique, raging beauty in each & every one of us. We are not your superficial, shallow-minded humans who fight one another. We wear whatever makes us feel good. We do whatever makes us happy. We do not succumb to mindless trends, gossip & fads. If you want to run with us, by all means, come. But make sure you can keep up. Make sure you step your game up. We cannot afford to be dragged down to anything less than a full life. I've had it with people who cannot be happy for me, even on my best days. I've had it with listening to what others think about me, & what they assume about me. I've fucking had it with people who don't have jack shit in life, yet try to put my work down, work that I've been getting positive recognition for, at that! & every time I think about all of these things, there's a voice in my head yelling at me, 'Stupid, Ee Lee, stupid!' I was a dumbass girl who was too naive, too trusting. I was an empath who felt & understood too much. I was stupid for allowing myself to be mistreated. I was stupid for allowing others to determine the course of my life, for letting myself be swayed by the opinions of those who I thought were on my side. I'm tired of being taken advantage of for my kindness. My stupidity, my unknowingly allowing myself to be vulnerable; has made me strong. I'm living my life now; according to my rules. I'm doing the things I've always been good at, & more & more opportunities are opening up to me. I make a living doing what I'm passionate about, & from the money that I earn, I gather more experiences. I surround myself with people who support & empower me. & during the times when I'm done being angry, I actually thank those who did me wrong. When I dance, I dance for them. When I sing, I sing for them. Thank you for being the toughest lesson I've ever had to learn, so that I could arrive to the ultimate truth: self-love. I'm ready to be responsible for my freedom. Are you? It's been almost a month since I boarded that plane to India, & since then it's been a whirlwind of a journey! For the first week I stayed with friends in Delhi & Karnal, then headed to the mountains of Dharamshala to meet up with my beloved Teacher-jis & to attend the Dancing Soul meditation course in Osho Nisarga. Upon returning, there were Teacher Training courses to attend & finally today I relived the joy of not having to wake up to an alarm clock, bahahahahah! I always say that my life is divided into two parts: before yoga & after yoga. When I attended my first 200-Hour Teacher Training with Deep in 2014, I was in a shitty relationship, could barely speak to strangers, even over the phone, & thought I would live & die working with animals because I was so not a people person! Heck, even though I loved music, I was embarrassed to dance, even alone in my own room! Since then, my boy-cut crop has grown down to my waist, I've gained 10 kilos in the past year, have met beautiful people from various parts of the world, I make friends fairly easily & can speak in front of a group of people, more importantly I can sing & dance whenever I feel like it...life has never been better! It feels narcissistic, talking about myself, but I really believe that it is important for people to share their personal experiences, not only the good ones but also the supposedly 'not too good' ones. Especially the not too good ones. Because you never know who may be going through the same things you were/are. True, yoga is all about the self, but community helps tremendously too. Sure, I fought to be the person I am today, but at the same time I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for the people who helped me up during some of my darkest days. More about this in my next blog post. What can I say about my journey so far? The more I go into it, the more idiotic I feel. At the moment it is a constant battle between holding on & letting go. What really is the purpose of life? To achieve a self-created vision of oneself? The old me would never have imagined she could become the person she is today, so how do I know that life won't take another about turn in the next few years? In just this past year especially, so many things have changed. Time & again, life shows me that I am not in control of anything, not even myself! Just as I'm beginning on one path, life snatches me up & drops me down somewhere else! Layers & layers have been shed, sometimes forcefully torn away from me, but thankfully, what is left is always more beautiful. Ambitions? Goals? What is there to do in life except to find out who I am? & by 'I', I'm not referring to the I who loves ice cream, the I who wants to change the world, the I who detests sour dough cookies; I mean the I who is beyond all that. Life is so short, so fleeting; why to create tension, why to aspire to achieve things which cannot be carried into the grave? For years & years, even before my yogic journey began, the only constant I have found within is love. No, not even God! Because to me, love is God. To me, God is not someone sitting above the clouds. He is within. He is without. He is in between. Where there is love, there is God. So for now, all I can say is that I am living love. If the Universe could bring me this far, I'm sure it will bring me wherever it is I need to be in the days to come. All I have to do is just live my truth & share love. I am grateful for this life. Every few weeks I get all soppy & teary eyed for seemingly no reason. The most weirdest-est time was when I was sitting alone on my friend's balcony in Delhi & saw a plane & two eagles flying in the same direction at the same speed & just burst into tears...LMAO..! There's so much truth within this song. The irony of life, the trials & tribulations of spirituality, that seeking for truth...it can be a tough journey. But I wouldn't have it any other way. There is much more 'breaking' to be done, but since it has been proven time & again that what comes after is always much more blissful, I accept. Anything which leads me astray from You, let it burn into ashes; even my own bullshit ideas & beliefs. Let there be nothing left within but You. Grateful for my biological parents who are crazy in their extremely differing yet similar ways, for passing down their Crazy genes to me, & for giving their unspoken blessings in my journey. For their spouses, who take such good care of my parents, so that I don't have to worry about their well-being, & I can travel freely. Grateful for my Teacher-ji, Deep; for his guidance & direction, even when I was not aware of what he was doing, even when he seemed out of the picture, bugger was still somewhere there...oh damn, there is no escape, hahahahah..! This man played a big role in moulding me into the person I am today. Finally, this trip he has given me my Sannyas name. To me, those few moments were enough of a Sannyas celebration for me, worth more than any Sannyas initiation/celebration. Grateful for my beloved cat, Karas...oh, meri jaan...some things can never be said; perhaps only you & I know the sacrifices you made for me. For my best friends who I have not spoken much to this past month...love is the connecting factor to everything & everyone. Although with some of you, our paths are different, & we don't see each other much or even rarely speak, my love for you is as strong as ever. Hell, I think one or two of you probably don't even know you are my best friends, LMAO...yep I'm undercover like that, yo! For new friendships forged...thank you for being you, & for sincerely sharing in this madness called life! Grateful for the gift of yoga. Yoga is not about the shape of your body, it is about the shape of your life. It is about going deeper into yourself, so that you can then relate to others. It is about creating awareness within yourself, so that you can live each moment in totality. It is about celebrating this madness called life! One can have a spiritual experience anywhere in the world, but somehow India always impacts me greatly. Let's see what happens during our next meeting! (By the way I did not cry upon landing & take off this trip, bahahahah!) I'm grateful for the freedom to explore her lands & mingle with her people. I must have done something right in a past life to deserve this one. |
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About Prabh LehriI am a yoga teacher based in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I am passionate about yoga as a form of healing on the physical, emotional & mental level. I have been on a yoga journey for almost a decade and have been formally sharing my experience in the last 4 years. Archives
December 2017
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