'It's not the weight of the load that breaks you, it's the way you carry it.' If you were going somewhere by train, when you board the train, would you continue carrying your belongings or place them in the luggage compartments? If you had to carry a backpack plus two small carry bags, would you put the backpack on your back, & have one small bag in each hand, or carry all three bags in one hand? Or perhaps the two carry bags on one shoulder each, & the backpack on your head? 'It's not the weight of the load that breaks you, it's the way you carry it.' Of course, the logical way to carry stuff is to: 1. Evenly distribute the weight 2. Put it down whenever possible! Photo courtesy of Aditya. Any experienced backpacker, hiker or mountaineer would tell you that it is also important how you arrange your belongings in your backpack, to avoid unnecessary strain on your back & shoulders! How does this metaphor of carrying luggage relate to our daily lives? Whenever we are facing difficulties in life, does it not seem like nothing else matters, & the weight of the whole world is upon our shoulders? We tend to think that our problems are the biggest, most important, most unsolvable & complicated problems in the Universe, & that no one else has problems as big as ours! If you look back on things, how much of this is true, though? We managed to solve them one way or another, & in any case, were they really as big a problem as we thought them to be? My dear friend & teacher once told us the story of his grandmother who lived through the 1984 Sikh Massacre. She saw her husband being murdered in front of her very own eyes, & later on single-handedly raised her young children. According to Deep, she was a very strong woman, both physically & mentally. Growing up around her, whenever there would be an argument within the household, everyone would get worked up except her, & she would simply wave her hand & say that these arguments are all small matters, & it's all nothing. Now every time he faces a problem, he remembers her voice, 'It's nothing! Enough now!' & just laughs at himself. Dear friends, most of us have led such blessed, easy lives which we tend to take for granted. My father always says, 'without thinking skills, thinking kills.' The mind can be either a problem-solver or a great enabler in over-thinking. It tends to want to focus on the problem at hand; which is not a bad thing, but there are two lenses which we can use to focus through: 1. Focusing on the problem itself & why it happened to me, out of all the people in the world, what were the causes, how it is negatively affecting me at the moment, how it will negatively affect me in the future. Basically the whole 'woe is me' mentality. 2. Focusing on the problem itself, what I can learn from it, how I can grow out of it & what active steps I can take to remedy the situation & hopefully avoid encountering a similar situation in the future. Both require equal amounts of energy. The only difference is that one just goes around in circles, whereas the other provides a way out. Sometimes, the answer is right in front of us. But the mind doesn't always allow us to take the easy way out. It enjoys being overly active. It always wants to revert to its old pattern, because that doesn't require any effort, although it does not bring happiness. It does not want to change because that requires moving out of its comfort zone. It is difficult, arduous to change its age-old patterns. Another thing to realize is that at the end of the day, you are not in control of anything! If you look back at the movie of your life, everything that happened, happened for a reason - both the good & the bad. Even the bad, because without them, you would never have discovered your strengths! In fact, it is the combination of the good & bad times which have moulded you into the person you are today! When you truly understand this, you know there is an imperceptible force guiding you through it all...then what else is there to do besides have a good laugh? Because you've either been holding all your bags in one hand, or sitting in a train with everything on your head! The Universe always has your back. You just need to know when to put down your bags & rest!
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19/12/2017 One of The Greatest Gifts You Can Give Someone is Your Understanding of Yourself.Read NowA few days ago, this old blog post of mine popped up in my Facebook memories. Dear Soulmate, I believe in living in the present But I can't deny that I am also an accumulation of my past. Although sometimes I wish I could erase it It has taught me a lot. Sometimes I wince at the thought of the old-me I would never wish the her on anyone, much less you. I hope you understand that although the past may sometimes fuck me up It has made me the woman I am today. I have multiple battle wounds & scars Some put there by others, some self-inflicted. I know that these have nothing to do with you Yet more often than not the internal battle is a tough one. I hope you will forgive me when I sometimes lose these battles I know it is unfair to you, my beloved. Believe me when I say I am constantly working on them. Some days I am all sunshine & unicorn glitter Other days I am a dung beetle pushing rhinoceros poop around. More often than not I'm a tornado & I will need your quiet wisdom to calm the storm. I don't want my idea of you Neither do I want to assume you will remain the same person forever. I want the you when nobody's watching The you underneath the layers society has ruthlessly blanketed you with. I want the real you, at each & every moment Even if the real you changes over time. For we are both organic beings Constantly changing, transforming, evolving. I will love you so much If it weren't for your physical size, I'd potentially accidentally squeeze you to death. I can be extremely forgetful But you will always be in my heart & on my mind. I will randomly annoy you, either on purpose or not & make you wonder how the hell you got yourself into this in the first place. Despite all this I will not let you be less of the person you are. Although I love nothing more than To stare at you unblinking with eyes of adoration. I will call your bullshit when I see it. I will push & shove you if you need it. I refuse to settle for anything less than the best Even when it comes to you. Because if there is only one wish I could make for you It would be that you never stop growing. & I hope you will do the same for me too Even if that means we may one day part ways. (eeleeong.blogspot.my/2016/12/dear-soulmate.html) When there is love & clarity of being, everything flows smoothly. I emphasize on 'clarity of being' because many other things tend to hide under the guise of love - jealousy, sentimentality & possessiveness, to name a few. & if these are not present, without clarity of being, even too much love can be a problem! Loving from a space of clarity does not mean that it's all rainbows & stardust 24/7. I beg to differ. Love which runs deeply can also be ruthless like a sword. Out of compassion, the path of least resistance has to be taken, even though it may be extremely painful. An intimate relationship is a partnership in which both are committed to their own personal growth. Relationships are not bad. In my experience, they are the fastest way towards knowing who you are & what you are about. This year, I discovered this stunning poem by Rumi: Surely there is a window from heart to heart: they are not separate and far from each other. Two earthenware lamps are not joined, but their light is mingled as it moves. Oh, what profoundness in just four phrases! Truly, this is the master at work! Photo by Gaurav Shukla Two lamps, each perfectly capable of sustaining themselves, but as they come together, their individual lights blend effortlessly, in fact, it is impossible to stop them from merging, it is as natural as the sun's rays reach for the earth...yet! Regardless of how much they mingle, at the end of the day, they are still independent of each other.
& so it is with all relationships. But first, each flame needs to be shining brightly & strongly on its own. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is your understanding of yourself. When a lotus seed is planted, it goes through days, even weeks, of darkness, then the first sprout breaks through its shell, & moves upwards, through the murky waters, against gravity. It does not know about the existence of the sky, it has never seen sunlight, nor heard the whispers of the birds. It has never felt the lightness of the air, nor the swaying of the gentle breeze. But still it moves, unperturbed, drawn upwards by unseen forces, until one day it breaks past the water's surface. & look what beauty comes out of this! Dear friends, any growth in life requires a certain amount of faith & discomfort. It involves a certain amount of fear too - & why not? One has never experienced such a situation before, so it is natural for the primal instinct & mind to demand security & control. But how much is too much? How much of our fear is legit, & how much is just the mind playing tricks? The mind is a master at playing tricks. It can create all sorts of doubts, just for the sake of avoiding something. Even when the facts are being presented right in front of our eyes, & the mind has processed it & knows it to be the truth, it is still able to conjure up its mischief, to escape the truth, no matter how absurd its actions may be. If we are determined to grow, we must be willing to go through some degree of not-knowing & discomfort. I'm not saying that one should become a masochist & go looking for discomfort or become an absolute knucklehead! We merely need to re-wire our brains to see these two elements in a different light. If you look at it logically, the unknown & our discomforts are what made us who we are today. When we were babies, the issue was, ‘I can’t crawl,' I do not know how to move around.' When we tried to get on our knees, we kept face-planting, 'This is new & strange to me,' ‘I keep hurting myself. This is a painful situation.' But we kept at it, & look at us now! Through discomfort & exploring the unknown, we learned how to overcome obstacles in life, thereby gaining new abilities & skills. If I told you, the number 8 has a certain fragrance to it; would you believe me? Mere jaan, life is an ocean of bliss. But if one is not willing to open one’s eyes towards this bliss…
Kya karun, mere jaan? Just like the lotus sprout had never seen the sky, how does one know what the possibilities are in life? If someone told you there is a chance to live life at a higher state, would you even consider trying it? If someone said that life could be more colourful, more joyous, more celebratory...would you believe them? Life is what you make out of it. Life is always a choice. At each moment, there are two options: am I going to languish, or flourish? Am I going to react according to my old patterns, or am I going to consciously make an effort to alter them? Am I okey staying in my comfort zone, even if there is no growth happening? Or am I going to take a risk to derive a new & possibly better result? & if I want a different result, surely the course & direction of my actions must change? Everything could be working in my favour, but at the end of the day, the decision lies in my hands - am I going to languish or fluorish? This changes everything. Mere jaan, the sky awaits. It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. - Emiliano Zapata - The beginning of freedom is having the guts to say 'no' to many things. To stand up for your beliefs, to politely decline to adhere to social norms, to create your own path - even if it means walking alone. Sometimes we may even need to go against the desires of those dear to us, simply because what they are demanding of us is not in line with our own principles. This may sound sacrilegious, but before kicking the idea, let’s take a deeper look at the matter. As gregarious creatures, our natural instinct is to want to fit in with the crowd – don’t rock the boat, lest I get kicked out of the community & have to fend for my own. In caveman times, when basic survival needs were the only priorities, this was legit. Being ostracized from society meant not only much more difficulties in finding food & shelter, but without the combined protection of the ‘herd’, being alone in the wild also made one more susceptible to predators. But in today’s day & age, the human race has prospered so much so that our ‘safe zones’ have increased tremendously. We no longer have to fear being attacked by predators of other species. Our means of getting basic needs & security are much different from that in the good ol’ days. Unfortunately, along with that, our civilized society has moved very much away from its true nature, & has started putting all kinds of unrealistic & unnecessary rules & conditions on its members. It has gotten to the point where it has even started dictating how, when, with whom & where we should be happy! If you look at it this way, isn’t it an utter madness we are living in? Think about it: Society says that by X years old you should have a college degree, by Y years old you should have a well-paying, stable job, by Z age you should get married – oh & don’t forget, in between all these you still have to play according to the rules! You should behave this way & not that; you can only be friends with this kind of people, not that; you can only be in a relationship this way & not that… Thought-provoking illustration by John Holcroft (johnholcroft.com/). Where does one draw the line between happily complying to the expectations of others, & sacrificing unnecessarily for the ideals of others? When do you put your foot down & say ‘ENOUGH’? Shakespeare said the whole world is a stage, & we are merely players. In Hinduism, it is said that life is a leela, a play. Each person is not born into a new play – we all come into a stage where a play is already ongoing. Surely, we still need to play our unique roles in this play; but to what extent? Roles are there, the play is there, but who are you? There is one grand play going on, but as individuals, we are constantly dictating the movies of our own lives. & you only get one chance at this – are you going to spend it making others happy, at the expense of your own happiness & well-being? Are you going to be just an extra, a background actor, in the movie of your life? Of course, there may be some reason & logic behind why society projects its ideals on its members. But at the end of the day, it is up to you to make the final decision. As long as you are not harming others, why should others force you into adhering to their ways of thought? & why should you feel obliged to comply? The beginning of freedom is having the guts to say 'no', because once you remove the things which make you unhappy, there is space for better things to enter your life. Mere jaan, it is never easy to live the life you love. Great courage is needed. Happiness is a very individual thing. Listen to your inner voice – what is it telling you? In my personal experience & observation of others’ experiences, when you stand up for what you believe in, at first you will be met with resistance – it is normal, because your actions are defying someone else’s authority over you, & in a way, you are making them question their personal beliefs. But this persecution is a small price to pay, & it is short-lived. At the end of the day, the people who love you will understand.
When life hangs precariously on the line – what matters then? Would you rather be loved for who you truly are, or for something/somebody you are not? The movie of your life is still filming - direct it according to you, & play it well! <3 <3 <3 Imagine you are a child in kindergarten, & everyone has been given a potted plant to take care of. Each child tends to his/her plant, watering them, protecting them from caterpillars, & so on. This process goes on daily, for weeks. Then, one day, the whole class arrives to a room full of beautifully blooming roses – roses of all colours, shapes & sizes. They are all equally magnificent, both collectively & individually; but somehow...there is a feeling deep within you that your rose is the most special of all, isn't there? The colour of your rose may not be as bright as another, it may not be the biggest bloom of all, it may even have a few imperfections here & there. But still! ‘There’s soooooooomething about my rose that makes it so special!’ Yes, it may not live up to other people’s idea of beauty, you may even acknowledge this very fact within yourself. That’s why we are using the word ‘special’ instead of ‘most beautiful’ or ‘most xyz’. Differences will always exist. How can they not? If there is no darkness, how can there be light? If there is no left, how can there be a right? Yes, there exists a rose bigger than mine, there also exists a rose smaller than mine, there are some more fragrant than mine; the very existence of each rose makes them special in their own right. But what makes my rose special to me? Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's The Little Prince by is one of my favourite stories. It seems like a children's story, yet is pregnant with the philosophies of life. Dear friend, it has nothing to do with the actual rose itself, but the amount of love & devotion you have poured into it. To your friend, your rose flower may seem very normal, just like any other rose flower. In fact, his rose flower is the most special to him! & why shouldn’t it be? How amazing - such a seemingly simple thing changed our whole perception of a flower! Just one variable is different: the presence of love & devotion. You took care of your plant daily, provided water when needed, protected it from the harsh elements, gave nourishment in the right amounts; & the result was a rose flower. Your friend did the same with his plant too. So you both have a certain bond with your own roses, not with each other’s. Have you observed it? The things on which you pour your love & devotion are the things which are dearest to your heart. It may not be ‘the best’ according to what society says, it may be far from perfect, but still, you wouldn’t trade it for anything else! It may be your job, your hobbies, your relationships - a million other people will be doing the same thing as you; but what makes it unique to you yourself is that you have put your heart into it. & that makes all the difference! The mysterious thing about this whole phenomenon is that these two elements move you, & not the other way around. You cannot force them into being. They just appear out of nowhere & become the moving forces behind your actions & thoughts. Without any expectations nor thoughts of possession, everything just flows naturally, joyously, without unnecessary exertion. With sincerity, you do what needs to be done. Everything else just drops away naturally, without resistance. In fact, it seems more of a burden to suppress & stop the flow of things instead of just allowing them! Holy schmoley, Olivia..! Do love & devotion have their limits, though? They only seem limited when aspects of the mind are brought into play. If you are watering your rose plant daily, providing different fertilizers, but hoping to get sunflowers the next week....................then what? Is this truly an act of love? At the height of their existence, love & devotion are strong enough to let go. In their pure essence, they may appear to be cruel, but at the very core of the matter, their actions are for the greater good. What roles have love & devotion played in your life? How are they manifesting & being expressed in your being? Are they really there for the greater good, or just as an excuse to play small? Are they bringing joy & happiness to your life? Ah, relationships! The stuff of dreams & fairy tales to some, & of nightmares & horror stories to others! True, a relationship can either be heaven or hell. But if we want to grow personally & spiritually, we need to stop looking to our partners to fulfill our needs & desires, & start looking within. Have you noticed it? When your partner does not live up to your expectations, what goes on inside you? How do you react? It doesn't necessarily have to be the big things in life - something as unassuming as them leaving their towel on the bathroom floor, or not texting to ask how your day went, or even not answering your call by the 3rd ring - what kind of reaction comes up within you? Have you ever asked yourself why these reactions are there to be triggered in the first place? Are you able to fully accept your partner as he/she is? Are you only nice to them when they meet your idea of them? Is the relationship only harmonious when they play according to your rules? Are you always demanding something from them? Are relationships merely an opportunity for us to fulfill our egos? When we enter into relationships, what happens more often than not is that we start taking the other for granted. In a way, we start assuming that they are exact replicas of ourselves; in thought, in action, in likes & dislikes. We may also start expecting more from them, sometimes unrealistically. We forget that the other is a free individual in their own right, & that their very individuality is what we loved about them in the first place! Nobody can make you happy. It is nobody's job to keep you happy. & it is nobody's obligation to be with you forever. It seems an ugly statement, but it is the truth nonetheless. But if we look at it objectively, how can the truth be ugly, unless smeared with the mud of our own thoughts & perceptions? Truth is the truth, your personal ideas of it do not change it. In reality, the other is a mirror to our own selves. & a mirror does nothing other than reflect. If you put a flower in front of it, it reflects a flower. If you put a donkey in front of it, it will never show you a kangaroo! The other is not an object to be manipulated, nor someone to be possessed. He/She is a divine mirror to yourself. Whatever your mirror shows you, be grateful, express gratitude; because everything is happening for your growth. :) A relationship can only start blossoming when both individuals are not dependent on each other, & take active responsibility for their own well-being & emotions. Relationship is beautiful because it is a mirror. But there are stupid people – they see their face in the mirror & they see it is ugly so they destroy the mirror. The logic is apparent: this mirror is making them ugly, so destroy the mirror & then they are beautiful. Relationship is a mirror. Wherever you are related with a person – a wife, a husband, a friend, a lover, an enemy – a mirror is there. The wife mirrors the husband. You can see yourself there. & if you see an ugly husband, don’t try to leave your wife – the ugliness is in you. Drop that ugliness. The mirror is beautiful; be thankful to this mirror. But stupid & cowardly people always escape & renounce; brave & wise people always live in relationship & use it as a mirror. Living with someone is a constant mirroring around you. Every moment the other reveals you, exposes you. The closer the relationship, the clearer is the mirror; the more distant the relationship, the less clear is the mirror. - Osho - It’s never until you stub your little toe on the edge of a cupboard that you ever really pay attention to that particular part of your body, isn’t it! & have you ever really looked at your wrists, & how they can twist & stretch so gracefully? Have you ever marveled at what a miraculous wonder your body is? We take great care of our houses, our cars, & other possessions, but when was the last time we really took time to properly care for our bodies? When was the last time you said ‘thank you’ to your body; for working 24/7, & for allowing you to experience this beautiful life? Besides being the vehicle of our being, our bodies are also messengers, albeit very silent ones. Everything is energy. So are our bodies. We are constantly exchanging energies with everything around us, whether we like it or not. Even by just looking silently at a flower, energy is being exchanged. So imagine the amount of energy exchanged not only in verbal conversation with another, but also in more intimate encounters! Have you noticed that your body feels differently around different people? Someone texts you & suddenly a sense of heaviness overcomes you. Or just the mere presence of a person, & there is a feeling of lightness & joy. Your body will tell you who, what or which situations you need to avoid, & which are good for you. Its messages are very subtle, but they are there. All that is required is awareness & sensitivity to receiving them. Some refer to this as a ‘gut feeling’. You can’t really explain it, but you somehow just know it. & how often have we overlooked this feeling & later on regretted it! Vibes cannot be denied. They can travel miles apart, & they override physicality. They move through silence & sound, they move through stillness & movement.
It’s time to be silent & start listening! This life is 100% your responsibility. Only you & no one else is accountable for your own well-being & happiness. Be ruthless if necessary. Your energy, time & space are precious & limited. Protect them. Love yourself enough to make yourself a priority. Even if you have to walk alone, do it. Life is too short for anything less than happiness. Inhale love, exhale gratitude. Think positive. Radiate your highest self. These popular spiritual quotes are very much appealing, but today I am here to tell you that no spiritual growth happens without a certain degree of struggle. In fact, the more growth you seek, the deeper into the darkness you will need to go. It sounds frightening, I know. The darkness still scares the shit out of me sometimes. There have been times I thought I would go mad. I’ve gone on emotional rampages - I’ve even curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor, crying & shivering with fear & sadness. But I have learned to love the darkness, because many beautiful things have come out of it. In fact, some of my biggest insights of bliss & happiness have come immediately after those moments of darkness. It is just a shedding of our old selves - the ego always puts up a fight to stay alive. The mind always wants to hold on to its beliefs, no matter how unreasonable they may be. But think about it for a minute: without our struggles, we would never be where we are today, we would never be the persons we are, we would never know the things we know. To learn a new skill, we must go through the hardships of learning. To advance to a higher level & rescue the Princess, Mario has to defeat all sorts of turtles, mushrooms & ‘bosses’! Spirituality is also a learning process. A learning to unlearn all the unnecessary knowledge we have accumulated. Oh, my dear friends, you don’t know how much junk we have covered ourselves with! If you are going through a tough time right now, gather courage. Salvation is near. Light & darkness are both necessary. Without the darkness, we would never know what light is. We would not be able to marvel at the beauty of light. There would be no nuances in life, everything would be bland, monotonous. Darkness allows for varying degrees of light, it creates shadows which brings depth to everything. Great pains need to be experienced in order to be born anew. It is like the pains of childbirth. The pain is the stimulus for the mother to push. & she tries with all her might, going through much hardship, because she knows that this is necessary. She knows that the pain is temporary. & after the baby is born, the pains of childbirth wither away. Looking at it from another angle: without pain, there would be no motivation, not even a slight indication that anything is to be done, & subsequently the baby dies in the womb. If you are going through troubled times, gather courage, dear friend. It is good. Go totally into it. Do not deny yourself this darkness. It is a blessing. As long as you are not hurting anyone. Pain is the trigger which sparks the process of rebirth. What you do with that pain, & how you choose to process it, determines the outcome. & no one can remove your pain but you. Because any external influence willonly hinder your growth. You may choose to escape these pains through various methods of distraction. But it will not help, mere jaan. It will only delay the very same pain, only to be repeated again. Better to deal with it in a single, swift blow, once & for all. Life is there for the living, beloved! Are you going to deny yourself the great joys of life? For real transformation to happen, you have to look within. It is not a matter of the other person, the situation, or any external stimuli. Don't throw your trash onto someone else. Go within, find the source of this pain. & sooner or later you will find that there is no pain. & what is left is freedom. Freedom is not a forgoing of responsibilities. On the contrary, it is the biggest responsibility you will ever carry throughout your life. Begin by accepting, loving & embracing your darkness. You got this. ;) ;) ;) As we walk the narrow dark alleys of Varanasi, chants of 'Ram Naam Satya Hai' echo from behind us, getting louder by the second. We quickly duck into the side of the alley, giving way to the troupe of men confidently marching forward towards the Manikarnika Ghat. I see their grim expressions, the bamboo sticks upon their shoulders, the brightly coloured cloth upon the deceased's body. Due to the winding nature of the alleys, they are quickly out of sight. But very soon, yet another call of 'Ram Naam Satya Hai' emerges from behind. I guess one should expect no less from a cremation ghat which operates 24/7. I sense we are nearing our destination when the tiny shops give way to huge piles of interlocking wood, meticulously stacked at least 10 meters high each. The sheer size of some of the piece of wood, combined with the height & width of the piles, somehow made the already dark night even darker. Turn a corner, & everything was illuminated red & orange. The funeral pyre nearest to us had a leg sticking out of it. There was no sadness nor grief in the air, but a very distinct feeling of solemnity. After spending a few moments taking in our surroundings from the top of the ghat, we decide to sit at a tea stall on the edge of the ghat. Walking pass the pyres, one inevitably feels the heat emanating from the large flames. From the tea stall, I can observe the Antyesti rites being carried out for each deceased person. At any one time, there are at least two fires burning, & numerous groups of men sitting around the ghat, waiting for the fire to perform its purpose, so that they can continue on with the rest of the ceremony. I see red spots on the ground a few meters in front of me. A cow is dripping blood from its right hock. In the distance, a few other cows & some dogs are foraging amongst the thrash. To my left, a cow sleeps peacefully, while a dog sleeps on the step beneath her, its nose touching her hoof. The cremation ground workers dutifully unload wood from boats, the priests prepare the bodies for the burning, there is soft music playing from a radio in one of the tea stalls. The flames transform into small clouds of smoke which billow up into the air, disappearing into nothingness... Seemed like just another day in the office for everyone. Which it actually is. We are all dying. Since the moment we took out first breath, we were already dying. Sometimes we forget the reality that death is approaching, & will show itself at any given moment. But is death something to be afraid of? Is it something horrible, something to be avoided at all costs? We seem obsessed with immortality, ever-lasting youth, & avoiding all discomfort at any cost. That which remains consistently the same, is not real. It is plastic, manmade, fake. & how can one compare the beauty of a living flower to that of a plastic one? By sheer coincidence, a friend of mine passed away the morning I was scheduled to leave for Varanasi. I bawled my eyeballs out for around an hour. But who & what was I crying for? Sometimes grief can be a selfish thing. It demands attention, it demands the reenactment of a certain connection/relationship/event. It demands control over a situation. But life stops for no one. You may kick & scream for all you're worth, but death will never delay its arrival. Even if you cry a million tears, or swear to perform a thousand good deeds; whether you are happy or sad, rich or poor, respected by society or not, life will never stop for you. Life is plain & simple. It is just up to you to remove all preconceived notions, expectations & judgments about it, & accept it as is. & along with acceptance of life & death, comes the ultimate flowering. To see the great irony of life; the futility of it all, yet the sheer beauty of being totally immersed in life in each moment... To come face to face with the reality that in the end, nothing matters, & everything goes back into the earth... To wonder, 'Oh my God, what the hell have I been doing with my life?' & make amendments if necessary... To realize that this life is only once, this life is so precious that each exhale may not be followed by an inhalation... All that is unnecessary falls away, & everything which is essential rises to the surface. Life becomes a sheer joy, a beautiful leela...& each moment becomes a reason to celebrate... We travel to foreign lands, only to return to our own homes - does that mean we should not travel in the first place? Similarly, we come from dust & we will return to dust. Just because this body will return to the earth, does not mean we should cease celebrating life. In the distance, the lights of the floating diyas sparkle amongst the gentle dark waves of the Ganga. Even in the belly of death, the playfulness of life refuses to surrender. Har har japo, pyare-a...Gur mat lay, Hari bol..! (Meditate on the Lord, oh my beloved, follow the Guru's teachings, & speak of the Lord!) The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. - Psalm 23 - This morning I was having a shower, again mentally condemning the latest shampoo I am using. Since switching to this shampoo, my scalp gets oily very fast, & I've been counting the days to when I can get a new bottle of shampoo. But today, something clicked within me. There was a voice inside which asked, 'Why you condemn the shampoo woh? Just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it is not working for someone else!' Bloody hell! Can you say, revelation??? Why are we always quick to condemn something when it doesn't benefit us or doesn't live up to our expectations? Instead of saying, 'This brand of shampoo is useless,' I could have said, 'This brand of shampoo doesn't suit me.' Similarly, in our relationships with others, if the other behaves in a way which we don't like, we are quick to pass negative judgement. Think about it - when was the last time someone close to you behaved in a way which was against your belief system? Or to hit harder - how did you feel when your romantic interest rejected you? How did it feel when your best friend did not live up to your expectations? Just because a relationship doesn't work anymore, doesn't mean that it was shit to begin with. Doesn't mean that either one or both of you are shit people. On the contrary. Yes, even the most awesome-est of people outgrow each other. & that isn't always a bad thing. In fact, one of my favourite phrases is 'life begins after divorce'. Yep, I'm not exactly the best person to seek common relationship advice from! Bahahahah! But it is the truth though; why stay in a situation where both are unhappy - I look at you & I feel shitty inside, so I give you shit; you look at me & you are not happy so you give me shit...try to imagine that in its literal sense, with shit all around the room. Who needs a fan when you can throw your own shit around! The only constant in life is change. This includes people & relationships too. To be able to let go of people & things with love - aha, now that's the challenge! Do you see the irony though? We don't vibe with a person anymore, and automatically we start condemning & finding fault with that person, the one who we previously held so dear to our hearts. Is love such a wavering thing? Is it so dependent on the other? & if it is dependent on the other (which is essentially an external factor), was it ever love to begin with? Condemnation always takes place when the ego has been bruised. The ego always thinks in terms of 'me me me'. When the other doesn't prioritize us, the ego becomes indignant & fights to maintain its false sense of security, either by creating arguments with the other in an attempt to get them to behave the way we want them to, or by condemning. Make sense? When people don't fit into the idea we have of them, in our minds we automatically label these people as 'wrongdoers'. But how you know you're not the wrongdoer in someone else's eyes? & at the end of the day, what is wrong & what is right? Who are we to judge each other? Just love each other. Love is friendship set on fire. But don't allow that fire to burn the whole bloody house down. Because when 'love' comes into the picture, usually possession starts to take place too. & we try to tame the free, wild being that we fell in love with. To love someone is to allow them the freedom to be completely themselves, whether it suits you or not, whether it hurts your goddamn ego or not. Your ego is your own problem, don't give shit to someone else just because you can't control your own ego! Point to be noted though: loving & respecting each other doesn't mean tolerating bullshit. Recognize & acknowledge when someone treats you like crap, & if necessary, remove yourself from the equation. At the end of the day, you are only responsible for your well being, & not anyone else's.
This is an edited version of my previous post here: http://eeleeong.blogspot.my/2016/07/shampoo-relationship-revelations.html Frankly, till today I still struggle to find the balance between being authentic in my individuality & living up to others' expectations of me. Sometimes there is a lot of pressure to live up to the public's idea of what a yoga teacher should be - how one should behave, how one should talk, how one should present herself...how many yoga selfies one should upload... How much should one bend over (pun intended!) to conform to the demands of the current market, to earn a decent living? When I first started teaching, I used to think that I have to show everyone that *I am someone*...'Yes, I can do this pose,' 'Yes, I know my shit,' 'Yes, I am fit/spiritual as hell & rocking it'... I used to feel so bad about myself when people did not like my classes. It was as though I was doing something wrong, or I was not good enough. I felt like I had to constantly prove myself to everyone, & I had to earn my place in the yoga community. Of course it is imminent that there will be people who judge you according to your physical capabilities, how you dress & how you present yourself. I guess at the end of the day it all boils down to synchronicity. Teacher-ji always said, 'What kind of teacher will attract that kind of student'...& it's so true! A student who comes to yoga to learn inversions will definitely not attend a Yin Yoga class - it's just basic logic. Similarly, not everyone appreciates a teacher who is too laid-back; it doesn't make either the teacher or the student wrong, it's just a matter of different approaches, different perspectives & different intentions. Over time I have come to accept that I can't make everyone happy all of the time. I can only offer what I have experienced, & what is within my heart. Just like how I can't for the life of me write something if I don't fully resonate with the topic; I cannot teach what is not my truth. When I first started teaching, my father (a University lecturer for the past 30+ years) said, 'Learning is the main focus, not teaching. Teaching can take place but if no learning takes place, then the teaching is a waste of time.' Wahlaueh, my father & Krishnamacharya so kawan baik one ha!?! Bahahahahah! Students come to class not to 'see show'...they come to learn. Regardless of what their intention is - to improve physical/mental health, stress-relief, etc...the essence is still there; the desire to learn something. & most of the time you can't teach according to your own physical capabilities & how your own mind & body functions. Yes, as a teacher of course you have to really understand yourself before you can even begin teaching. But you also have to respect & appreciate your students as individuals in their own right, so that you can teach them the right way to practice, according to their own current level of physicality & understanding. You have to be able to relate to them, so that the message gets across. Yoga is a highly personal practice. I always say that when you go clothes shopping, there are different sizes of clothes available, simply because people are of different sizes. So you don't buy a size 38 pair of pants & then eat/starve yourself until you can fit into them! Same goes with yoga, you don't fit the human into the pose, instead you need to tailor the pose according to the human! If you ask me what my idea of a yoga teacher is, I would say that a yoga teacher is not anyone higher or better than their students. Teacher-ji always said, 'Don't think of it as teaching, think of it as sharing. Just share whatever you have learnt, whatever you have discovered.' You can't teach from upon a pedestal. It's just basic human nature - people are usually willing to learn, but they are not always willing to be taught. Heck, even I experience this seemingly unreasonable stubbornness! So if a teacher enters with the idea to show that she is someone 'better' than her students, then the whole gestalt is wrong from the get-go, because the intention is not for learning/sharing to take place, & there is resistance on the part of the student towards whatever the teacher has to say. A teacher is there to serve the students. A teacher provides a service to others. & if you look deeper into it, without the students, the teacher cannot exist. So the whole focus is 'how can I be of service'. If a teacher wants to deliver the message clearly & efficiently, there cannot be any idea of ego. A teacher's life is ultimately a life of seva*. There is no 'right' & 'wrong'. Everyone is at different points of their journey, & there are many paths leading to the same destination. I am learning not to take it personally when people walk out of my class halfway through. I am learning that life is not a competition. I don't have to prove myself to the people who I am meant to cross paths with. I don't have to earn my place in the world, because I am me, & I have my own unique gifts to share with others. If they recognize this, it is okey. Even if they don't, it's still okey! :) Sometimes, something speaks. I can't say if it from within or without, nor from where it comes from. It just comes. Last month, this message came: 'Just share. Share whatever you have. Even if only one person turns up to class, whosoever it is, you teach full-heartedly, the same as you would if it was a full house. Because that one person has trusted you enough to come learn from you. That one person has the thirst for knowledge & has come to your doorstep. & always keep the Master in your heart. For he has shown you the way, he was the middleman towards your liberation. Yes, in the end even the Master has to be forgotten, but always remember his grace & love towards you. Because the Master has never asked anything in return, his goal is your realization, your enlightenment. & he had to think of how to guide you towards the right path, according to your character, according to your disposition, your tendencies; it is not an easy task, but he has done it! Is there any greater love than this? & when you remember the Master's grace & love, how can you harm another? How can you turn away those who seek? & don't fall into the trap of the ego! Realize your nothingness; that the teachings are not from you yourself. The teachings came from the Master, the Master learned from his Master, & so on...the teachings do not belong to anyone. Are you going to keep these Universal Truths all to yourself? Actually without the student, there can be no teacher. The teacher learns just as much, if not more, than the student, instead of vice versa. So share. Share without any expectations of gratitude, compensation, or even acknowledgement. Deliver the message. & if it makes a positive impact on even just ONE person, it is more than enough.' 'I am a yoga teacher...I am someone...'
Bahahahah..! I am no one, don't put me on a pedestal, don't have any high expectations of me...just let me be myself!' :P :P :P * In the Sikh tradition, there are three aspects which are fundamental towards the devotee's faith, the first of which is Seva (service or work provided without any thought of personal reward/benefit). Where does one draw the line between following one's heart & doing what one needs to do to survive in the world? One of the best pieces of advice I have received about decision-making is to write out on paper the pros & cons of the situation, & then compare them. Sounds simple enough, yet immensely powerful. What I really loved was his end statement: 'Then you know the decision is totally yours, & you don't blame anyone else if something goes wrong'. Or something to that effect. :P Yes, our choices in life reflect the decisions we make. & life would be so much easier when we start to accept responsibility for our choices. But it is the nature of the human mind is to take credit whenever things go well, & throw the blame on others when they don't. Well, suffice to say, I never did get down to making that list. I guess it's not the way my being functions. (Yes, 'rolls eyeballs emoticon* indeed, dear friends!) You know how sometimes something resides within your heart, something which is completely illogical, which is beyond all reasoning........yet it still exists, & continues to exist, even yonks later? & sometimes, something just doesn't seem right, & no matter how, you just. can't. explain. why? Even if everything is working in your favour & seem fail-proof, what is the use of going into it if your heart is not in it? On the other hand, if you have love & passion for what you do, somehow, you will always find a way to make things work. :) Of course the mind is always suspicious of the heart, because it doesn't adhere to any known rules. It just wants what it wants. & of course there will be times when things go utterly, miserably wrong. But wasn't it worth a try? Is it not better to have gone through the whole experience instead of wondering 'what if'? & just because one experience turned out unpleasant, does that mean that we should in future turn a deaf ear to the things our heart is saying? If things really do go wrong, can we not blame ourselves for not being 'more reasonable'? Nick Seluk of www.theawkwardyeti.com always takes a light-hearted approach to the ongoing battle between the heart & the brain. This video of Lisa Nichols recounting her personal story goes to show how everything just falls into place when your heart is in it: www.facebook.com/goalcast/videos/1509319062478612/ 'Conviction & comfort don't live on the same block. If you're gonna be convicted about something, you might have to go through some discomfort. But if you wanna stay comfortable, why don't you just relax where you are, coz that's where you gonn stay.' I love this photo by my dear friend Gaurav. When I first saw it, I thought to myself, 'Where is this place where no Sadhana is needed? I need to live there!' Bahahahahah! Indeed, when you heart is in it, all Sadhana occurs naturally. Then, you just do what you have to do - you don't need to be given a set of rules/guidelines, even hard work doesn't seem that hard, the things which you need to put aside are not seen as 'sacrifices', & everything is rooted in happiness, even though on the surface level it may look like misery to others. In spirituality, in work, in love, in life; the same principle applies. Unless the person you are dating asks you to prove your love by placing your hand on a hot chapati pan; that's when you tell them 'Sorry love, you've gots to go!' If you have to convince yourself to like what you are doing, are you truly happy? & if you have to convince yourself to deny the things in your heart, are you really living? Your heart knows, my darlings. Listen to it. Sometimes it may be just a whisper. But believe me, it speaks. Beware: Don't choose the convenient, the comfortable, the respectable, the socially acceptable. Choose something that rings a bell in your heart. - Osho - When I was attending Yoga Teacher Training in Rishikesh, a fellow coursemate, who at that time was already an accomplished yoga teacher in his own right, said that in India, parents did not usually allow their daughters to marry yoga teachers. Which, of course, invoked gasps of horror & disbelief amongst us Malaysians. Like, WHY. Up till then, we (or at least, myself) always thought that yoga teachers were the cool kids who everyone wanted to sit with during recess. It has taken me almost two years to understand the reasons behind this seemingly unfounded disdain towards yoga teachers as worthy suitors. Here are my findings so far: 1. A yoga teacher is very much capable of waking you up at 3am to ask you with utter sincerity, ‘Darling, what do you think the meaning of life is?’ or ‘If everything is just a projection of our own inner minds, does that mean you’re not real & are just a figment of my imagination?’ As if that’s not bad enough, they will insist you practice yoga with them daily, at Brahmamuhurta time, no less, which is between the hours of 3.30am to 5.30am. Game of Thrones marathon? Socializing & building relations with family & friends? Ain’t got nothin’ on Brahmamuhurta time, yo! & no, coffee is Rajasic, not Sattvic, so lay off! 2. The answer to almost anything which ails you will be, ‘There is a yoga pose for that!’ They will correct your posture all the time, and even go so far as to physically adjust you while you are sleeping, because we don’t want to mess up our Kundalini flow now, do we? AND…you know those people who get irritated by the slightest things their poor unassuming partner does? Yep, you guessed it. You're sitting on the couch watching the telly or reading a book & a yoga teacher will tell you, ‘You’re breathing wrong. Stop it.’ You’ll probably have a hard time arguing with them about this one, what with those years of Pranayama studies & practices they have under their belts. Bugger. 3. Speaking about Pranayama, when you are in the middle of an argument, & you’re going off about this & that & whatnot, a yoga teacher can look you dead calm in the eyes & say, ‘Just breathe. It will pass’. Which would probably infuriate you even more, but then, ‘Impermenance, yo…don’t identify with your anger…just watch it’. However! If you attempt to apply this philosophical tactic on a yoga teacher, they will throw a crying tantrum & tell you, ‘You’re not in touch with your feelings’ or ‘How are we going to grow as a couple if you’re not willing to open up?’ Meh. You can’t win. Ever. Sorry. 4. Can you imagine the amount of white clothing??? & Shiva forbid that you mess up the laundry once…*just once*…& their sock (of course it has to be one from their favourite pair) becomes off-white! Oh, how un-yogic…the Gods of Yoga curse thee to three hours of Chaturanga practice to atone for thy sins. You got it all wrong, buddy. Run. Run as fast as you can. & don't look back. Never look back.
5. Let’s not even talk about how the whole house smells like sandalwood, the door knobs have somehow been laced with coconut oil, & you inadvertently catch yourself whistling the Hare Krishna mantra during office hours. (By the way, most of that sandalwood & coconut oil have stuck to your person, so people can now smell you from a mile away) So. Maybe Indian parents really do know what’s best for their babies. 😉 Thou hast been warned! In the end, all it took was some discarded chapati, kadai paneer & dal. & I just burst into tears for the next hour or so. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Returning home after teaching a night class, I intended to heat up some great food my friend had cooked. Only to search the fridge from top to bottom & finally find everything in the rubbish bin. Holy schmoly, unleash the floodgates! Looking back, it seems like such a petty thing to get upset about. But after about 15 minutes into my bawling, I realized it was a blessing in disguise. I was finally able to admit to myself that I had been suppressing some pretty strong emotions for the past few weeks. Which got me thinking: how often do we suppress our true emotions? At the workplace, you have to 'be strong', because it's a dog eat dog world out there, & one should never show weakness, lest the predators pounce. Or your job requires a lot of public relations, so you are always required to carry a cheerful & smiley personality, because nobody likes a sourpuss, so anything less than Mr/Miss Sunshine = bad for business. At home, you don't share your sadness/troubles because you don't want your family members to worry about you. So, again with the 'all-is-well' act; probably even throw in an extra hearty laugh or two into the mix just to make it even more convincing. Yes, dear friends; we are each responsible for ourselves. & any mature person would understand the need to sort out their own shit by themselves instead of throwing it on others (more about this here: aaapan-gaand-hawai-dusar-ke-kare-dawai.html). (Artist unknown) So you stand at the driveway, smile broadly & wave goodbye to your loved ones as the taxi drives off. You bring out your best jokes when you are out with colleagues. & you fake smiles for the ones you love the most, sometimes even with those who you know damn well love you in return & understand you better than yourself. Because what can others do for you? So why trouble them? Especially if you already understand that everything is impermanent & 'this too shall pass', how many more times do you want to have the same conversation about the same thing? It isn't always the case that someone is too sensitive, or even dramatic. It isn't that they are weak. You never really know what a person is going through. Maybe you just happened to be in the vicinity when that last bloody piece of straw broke the camel's back. True, meditation helps you understand that everything comes & goes. But I always say, philosophy is not a dead thing. There is no one philosophy to end all other philosophies. Life is situational. Sometimes, all you need is someone to relate to, human to human. At other times, you need some time alone to sort out your thoughts. Either way, it's a-okey. What matters is that you are true to your own needs, each time. Are you truly present, or are you numb? :P :P :P I really love this statement: It's ok to not be ok. In fact, let me take that up a notch. It's more than ok to not be ok! It means that you are still alive. It means that you have not numbed yourself to this beautiful world. What is essential is that you pick yourself up, dust yourself off & get going again. No matter how slow you do it: Just. Move. Am I going to apologize for being 'too much' for some? Never! My ability to feel things deeply is what has helped me tremendously in my journey. It is what gives birth to my writings. It is what helps me connect with my students at the soul level. Yes, we come into this world alone, & we will go alone. Yet at my times of utter despair, it was the people around me who picked me up. I am the accumulation of the small, big, random, un-random acts of kindness shown to me by others. In the movie Spirited Away, after all her trials & tribulations, Zeniba gives Chihiro a hair tie & says: It will protect you. It's made from the threads your friends wove together. You are not alone. There is always, always someone who cares & understands. Decide. Decide what you need at this moment in time - whether it is some time alone to process things, a heart to heart conversation, what? Then get back onto your path. & always remember to pay it forward whenever possible. :) :) :) You are responsible for your own life. But isn't it comforting to know that there are people out there who are always there for you when you need it? Everyone hits a low point every once in a while, & sometimes we need a shoulder to lean on, no matter how big, dark, silly or inconsequential the issue at hand may seem. When we are at our most vulnerable, we need people whom we can trust, & who will accept us for who we are at that moment in time & not judge us. We need people who have the patience to let us go through the motions & gently help us figure shit out. Yes, of course we can't expect others to always drop everything & be there for us all the time, especially if we are not committed to making any effort to step out of our own bullshit. But once in a while it is nice to have someone who cares, & is willing to give you a helping hand. To me, there is an art to being there for someone. The term commonly used nowadays is 'holding space'. This does not only mean that the other is merely a good listener, it also means that 'whatever happens in the space, stays in the space'. See, to have the integrity to not blab to someone else about the conversation; & not use whatever was talked about nor the speaker's weaknesses against him/her in future...now that's priceless. That's truly priceless, dear readers. If you ever find someone who is able to hold space for you, please hold on tight to them. These people are undercover angels. ;) ;) ;) We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage & risk. - Thomas Moore - I'm grateful to have people who are able to hold space for me. I'm also grateful that we can talk on & on till the wee hours of the night, laughing, crying, sharing our experiences & learning from each other, even if our life paths differ greatly. Even after not being in touch for yonks, just one call & it's like nothing ever changed. Relationships are beautiful when both have sincere love for each other. When neither one thinks themselves higher than the other, & there is no idea of domination or control. Then everything flows naturally. I don't know why, but each time I'm going through a difficult time, the Universe sends someone from far away to help me out. One of the most amazing things in life is when you just meet someone & it's like you've known them for years, or you just click naturally & everything just pours out from within. You just 'get' each other. You don't judge them, & they don't judge you, no matter how silly either of you may seem to others. & you know that, they will always be willing to help you out in any way they can, even if that means giving you the proverbial tight slap on the face with the hard truth. Thanks to the Internet, I have sometimes even found strength in the most unlikely strangers halfway around the world. There have been times when I was all weepy under my covers & a short text conversation helped me regain my sanity. Sounds foolish, but in my experience, there are times when you just need to hear someone else state the things which are already in your head, so that you can completely comprehend & accept the situation at hand. Sometimes, you just need to know that somebody cares. & although I don't know when I will meet these dear friends of mine again, & there are some whom I may never ever come face to face with; those few moments in time made all the difference in my life, & I am grateful. Woy, Universe, send lah someone who is at least in my time zone! Why you so like this ha! :P :P :P Of course, the quality of a relationship cannot be determined by how much time you spend together, nor how long you have known each other. But you can't deny the impact one person can have on another during the latter's moments of despair. Two things to remember: 1. Never take people for granted. You never know what their story is. Always be kind. 2. There is always someone out there who cares. It's okey to not be okey. You just need to reach out & there will always be someone there to catch you. I promise. I will always remember this parable Gurumukh told us: We are all walking together on a dark path, & one person is holding a flashlight. If the person with the flashlight is walking too far ahead, the ones at the back will be left in darkness. Same thing if he is too far back. So, if he is too far ahead, he should slow down so the others can catch up, & the others need to make an effort to catch up. If he is too far back, he needs to walk faster, & the others need to slow down. We need to walk together, so that we can share the light & reach our destination together. This mixed media piece I did last July (oh damn, has it been that long???): 'Ripple Effect. Core Connections.' Each soul we cross paths with affects us to a certain extent, whether we like it or not, & whether we realize it or not. The question is, how many actually touch your very centre? How many do you allow close enough to see your one, true self? & how many are sincere enough to want to know the real you? Given these two variables, how many people have touched your centre? We come into this world alone, & we will leave it alone. But in between, it is the heartfelt connections we create with others which makes life beautiful. (Image courtesy of Su Yen) Now the petals are falling. Evening has come. The sun has set, the night will take over. The death has come, the petals are falling towards the earth. They don't hesitate. They don't know where they are going, they don't know whether there is an earth down there or not - maybe it is a bottomless abyss - but they don't doubt, they don't hesitate. (...) Petals falling, fluttering down towards the earth. Simply trust - do not the petals flutter down just like that? & everything - God, moksha, nirvana - everything, I say to you, becomes possible. Just trust. Just like that. - Osho - When I was in Rishikesh last year, I wrote this: After ten months, here I am again! Although my beloved Rishikesh is not the same, & the Ganga is much more ferocious than when I first met her, I am learning a lot about myself this trip. Sometimes you need to remove yourself from your usual environment to check in with yourself as to where you are in life. What is important to you? Who are the people who matter? Are you living the life you want? Are you living *at all*? One question I always thought I knew the answer to is, 'What do you want to be?' I'm very glad to report that nowadays I'm very sure that I don't know what I want to be. It was a soft voice, but has grown loud & strong. 'I don't know.' It is one of the most beautiful statements in life. I never would have imagined I would have this life. So how should I know what I want to be, what I should be? All I know is that the Universe has my back, & I'm excited to see what the future holds! Hair drier, skin two tones darker, feet dirtier, sweaty & sticky in the monsoon weather; yet these are among the happiest days of my life. Words cannot even begin to express how I feel. Ganga Maaya Ki Jai! Most of the time, I'm gobsmacked at how my life has turned out. & it continues to stun me what the Universe has planned for me. However, this 'not knowing' isn't always easy! The ego always wants that false sense of security, of being in control, of knowing not only the final destination but also the route, the possible detours, the weather forecast, ETA, yadda yadda yadda. Then, 'not knowing' starts becoming a frightening thing. 'What am I going to do?' 'What about my plans?' 'How?' 'When?' 'Where?' 'When?' 'Who?' What do I want in life? This question has been making its rounds in my mind ever since those days in Rishikesh. Sometimes, it is easy to say, 'I don't know'. But other times, it is a struggle surrendering to the Universe. This fear is all too familiar. Yet it is a unique & new experience in its own right. Throughout the day, it goes from one end of the spectrum to the other. One minute my tears are tears of happiness & gratitude, the next they are of fear & sadness. Sometimes, they are both at the same time. I don't know. I am just observing these things, coming & going. Observing the emotions, observing my clinging to them, observing my letting go of them... I don't always know what I want in life. But I do know what I want from life. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to be around people who are roaring mad & have a zest for life. I want to experience life in its entirety. I want to be me, & not have to be apologetic nor ashamed about it. It would be nice to have someone to share the journey with. But it is equally wonderful to have the freedom of not being answerable to anyone. Feck, I don't know. I don't know a shit about anything. Yet I know a few things. That must count for something, right? Fast forward almost a year later, & I am still experiencing those same sentiments. The fear is still very much there, but I can say that I surrender more easily now. It still scares the shit out of me that I don't fit into the idea of what an adult is (well, the version that I grew up believing in, anyways). Sometimes I wonder if The Mother was right: 'How long can you be a hippy for?' Damn. Just typing those words makes everything seem so surreal. But by & by, it has been shown to me that I cannot work purely for money. The last time I did, I got stomped on the foot by a horse & it took me months to recover. Lesson learnt. However, the Universe is a benevolent one. It always provides when necessary. I remember the time before I'd ever been to India. We were planning to attend Teacher Training in Rishikesh. I had quit my day job few months earlier, & being a fairly new yoga teacher, did not have many classes. So afraid of not having enough cash to pay for the course, I avoided the matter altogether until the last minute - taking out the envelope of money containing all the class payments I'd received, nervously counting them all...the grand total came to just about RM200 more than I needed. I'll never forget that moment when I clutched those goddamn paper notes to my chest & wept like a biatch. Bahahahahah! I'm not a business-minded person. I can't brain money, politics, sales, networking, branding & what-not. But miraculously, things always work out in the end. & I am extremely blessed that to have crossed paths with people who help me along the way. I believe that people are inherently good, & are willing to share or help out in whatever way they can; but of course don't expect them to run through hell & back all the time lah...that one melampau batas loh (crossing the line)..! Either through emotional/mental support, sharing of experiences, sharing of food (om nom noms!), etc...each & every form of assistance is a blessing. & I hope to be able to return the favour(s), & pay it forward whenever necessary. By the way, today Facebook told me that I made 100 friends in the past year. Mindfuck. How is that even humanly possible??? Image from www.introvertdoodles.com So what am I actually doing here in this world, in this lifetime? Maybe it is to share my journey? It feels narcissistic to think so. It seems scary. Because who am I to discuss philosophy? Will I be able to handle the fact that my viewpoints will piss at least one person off? Will the future me look back on everything & cringe in shame? I don't know. But what I do know is that being vulnerable is necessary. It is so much easier to show the real you than to hide behind a mask all the time. Showing my real self, I've found true friends. Showing my real self, I've had people tell me how much my writing helped them through a rough patch in life. Being 100% is freedom. I find that I can't forgo the things that my heart beats for. I cannot deny the things which remain, even as the days go by, even as other things come & go. The things which stubbornly cling to me, although I try to shake them off or distract myself with other things. Although these things may seem foolish or even crazy, even to myself, I cannot deny them any longer. It's true, sometimes I myself can't make sense out of things, & I wonder if I am truly going bonkers. Quite scary-fying lah. Huhuhu...but what to do? I think I've had enough of playing small. I've gained this much so far, let's see what the Universe will bring now. ;) ;) ;) It is true that we all have an inner GPS, & that no external influence is necessary to guide us through life - we will get where we need to be sooner or later, we need to be authentic to ourselves, yadda yadda yadda. But in my experience, a guru's grace is invaluable. In any relationship, love is the most vital ingredient; & the student-teacher one is no exception. A real guru's love is such that he always has the student's ultimate welfare in mind, even though it may not be apparent, or may even seem otherwise. He does not create a bondage out of his students. He gives the student the joy of their own freedom & independence. After teaching for two years, I now appreciate the presence of the guru more. Today I suddenly remembered the last day of my first Teacher Training course back in 2014. We were having a sharing session, & I said, 'I don't know what to say, but...my life is the proof of his teachings.' Oh fuck, if only I knew what that would entail in the years to come! Bahahahah! Somehow, I've always had this sick satisfaction when being disturbed by my guru, even though I may not have shown it or sometimes may not even have been aware of it. Never could put a finger on it until now. Damn. You never know when & how a guru is imparting his teachings to you. If you are unaware, or 'asleep', so to say, you may miss the lesson. & the lesson isn't always pleasant, it can seem like a swift jab in the eyeballs! I'm no guru, & don't intend to be one. In fact, the mere thought of being a guru scares the shit out of me, because it is a very heavy responsibility. Out of love, the guru carries a big responsibility towards his students, & is there any rest when it comes to love? Eh, tired you know! I imagine it's probably something like taking care of an infant, you need to always be on the lookout for the brat to make sure nothing goes horribly wrong, yet allow them the freedom to learn/explore by themselves…oh damn, my brain feels fried already! As humans, it is not always easy to accept the fact that we can't please everyone all the time. & as a teacher, I had to learn to accept criticism, be it constructive or otherwise. I had to learn that everyone is on different paths in life, & that what I have to offer will not be accepted by everyone. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received about teaching is that if out of a thousand people, I positively affect the life of even just one…just *one* person, it is more enough. & boy is that true. That feeling that I get when a student *finally* understands, & the happiness of watching a student's asana practice go beautifully, that feeling of actually observing someone's life change for the better...to me, that is the real joy of teaching. & this is also why when I think of my guru, tears of gratitude start pouring down. Because it was he who made me the person I am today. My understanding of what a guru is? Well, a guru is a God. But then again, God is in everyone & everything. What makes a guru different is that somehow, by some crazy crossing of the stars & planets, this particular person has been brought into my life so that God can work His way to me. A guru is an instrument of God. He is a godsend. A guru is to be adored, without forgetting that he too is human, that he too has his own path, that he is just a medium. He is not to be worshiped as God Himself. He is not to be put on a pedestal. The student-teacher relationship, like any other relationship, is a volatile dynamic. It isn't necessarily a life-long relationship. The guru isn't obliged to be with you throughout your life, & you aren't obliged to follow him forever. Some gurus just show up at important points of your life, then disappear forever. Even if sometimes you think he is against you, a guru has your best interest at heart. Out of compassion, a guru can kill you, because he knows that this 'you' needs to die before the real you emerges. & you may never know what he is teaching you, until yonks later. & then you laugh & think to yourself, 'Why my teacher like this ah???' Bahahahahah! If I really had to put it in simple words: A guru is the truest friend you will ever have. A guru does not necessarily have to be a teacher by profession. You can find a guru in a friend, in a parent, heck, one of the greatest gurus is nature herself! Gurus don't necessarily stay with you long, sometimes they are there for just a second. Sometimes a friend can be a guru, through sharing of each other's journeys, or through a shared life experience. I must have done something right in a past life to have crossed paths with many great people in this lifetime. But the biggest blessing is to have met a true guru. A guru is not a crutch, he is a bridge. - Sadhguru - Gratitude for the guru's grace & blessings. Do you know what happens when you decide to stop worrying about what other people might think of you? You get to dance. You get to sing. You get to laugh loudly, paint, write & create. You get to be yourself. & you know what? Some people won't like you. Some will laugh or mock or point out flaws. But it just won't bother you all that much. - Doe Zantamanta - Freedom. This word has been resounding in my brain for the past few weeks. Freedom. Finally. I kicked, screamed, & fought to be kept in my prison cell. I held the door shut, although it was never closed. If left alone, it would slowly open wide. Yep, it was one of those doors. Yet here I am today. I know what it is like to go through that period of denial & blind stubbornness. It was the most unpleasant thing I've had to go through. But it was also the most necessary, & the best. Freedom is not a forgoing of responsibilities. On the contrary, it is the biggest responsibility you will ever carry throughout your life. To be fully accountable to yourself for your actions & inactions. To say, 'yes, this is for me,' or 'no, this is not for me'. To not place the blame on others when things don't turn out right. Freedom is doing what is best for you, regardless of whatever the hell others may think. Goddamn it I'm so damn tired of blind compassion. It isn't my goddamn job to analyze others' past traumas. I wasn't put here to help others through their shit, at the expense of my well-being. My life isn't to help others live theirs. I'm here to live my life. They said I was crazy. One said I was 'domesticated'. The thing is, they didn't know the meaning of 'tame'. You see, the wild ones aren't always easily recognizable. They are not always the all-up-in-your-face, crazy-bitch-break-your-windows kind. They are the ones who you will never be able to fully understand. They are the ones who will sometimes seem to give you the most problems. They will tell you when you are full of shit. & sometimes when you are too full of shit to see that you are full of shit, they won't even bother telling you you're full of shit. Because what would be the point? You will try to undermine their talents & strengths. You will try to trample on their opportunities, critique their passions & hobbies; & confine them into a box. You will withhold praise during times of success, & kick sand in their face when they hit rock bottom. They will take all of these in stride, & may even give you the joy of having the upper hand for some time. Enough. We want what we want. We cannot be restricted by the boundaries of what you think is right & wrong. We do not play by your rules. We cannot be predicted. We dance to the rhythm of our own heartbeats. We are the ones for whom the drums are played for. We dive deep. We cannot comply to your conventional idea of 'beauty', as we see the unique, raging beauty in each & every one of us. We are not your superficial, shallow-minded humans who fight one another. We wear whatever makes us feel good. We do whatever makes us happy. We do not succumb to mindless trends, gossip & fads. If you want to run with us, by all means, come. But make sure you can keep up. Make sure you step your game up. We cannot afford to be dragged down to anything less than a full life. I've had it with people who cannot be happy for me, even on my best days. I've had it with listening to what others think about me, & what they assume about me. I've fucking had it with people who don't have jack shit in life, yet try to put my work down, work that I've been getting positive recognition for, at that! & every time I think about all of these things, there's a voice in my head yelling at me, 'Stupid, Ee Lee, stupid!' I was a dumbass girl who was too naive, too trusting. I was an empath who felt & understood too much. I was stupid for allowing myself to be mistreated. I was stupid for allowing others to determine the course of my life, for letting myself be swayed by the opinions of those who I thought were on my side. I'm tired of being taken advantage of for my kindness. My stupidity, my unknowingly allowing myself to be vulnerable; has made me strong. I'm living my life now; according to my rules. I'm doing the things I've always been good at, & more & more opportunities are opening up to me. I make a living doing what I'm passionate about, & from the money that I earn, I gather more experiences. I surround myself with people who support & empower me. & during the times when I'm done being angry, I actually thank those who did me wrong. When I dance, I dance for them. When I sing, I sing for them. Thank you for being the toughest lesson I've ever had to learn, so that I could arrive to the ultimate truth: self-love. I'm ready to be responsible for my freedom. Are you? It's been almost a month since I boarded that plane to India, & since then it's been a whirlwind of a journey! For the first week I stayed with friends in Delhi & Karnal, then headed to the mountains of Dharamshala to meet up with my beloved Teacher-jis & to attend the Dancing Soul meditation course in Osho Nisarga. Upon returning, there were Teacher Training courses to attend & finally today I relived the joy of not having to wake up to an alarm clock, bahahahahah! I always say that my life is divided into two parts: before yoga & after yoga. When I attended my first 200-Hour Teacher Training with Deep in 2014, I was in a shitty relationship, could barely speak to strangers, even over the phone, & thought I would live & die working with animals because I was so not a people person! Heck, even though I loved music, I was embarrassed to dance, even alone in my own room! Since then, my boy-cut crop has grown down to my waist, I've gained 10 kilos in the past year, have met beautiful people from various parts of the world, I make friends fairly easily & can speak in front of a group of people, more importantly I can sing & dance whenever I feel like it...life has never been better! It feels narcissistic, talking about myself, but I really believe that it is important for people to share their personal experiences, not only the good ones but also the supposedly 'not too good' ones. Especially the not too good ones. Because you never know who may be going through the same things you were/are. True, yoga is all about the self, but community helps tremendously too. Sure, I fought to be the person I am today, but at the same time I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for the people who helped me up during some of my darkest days. More about this in my next blog post. What can I say about my journey so far? The more I go into it, the more idiotic I feel. At the moment it is a constant battle between holding on & letting go. What really is the purpose of life? To achieve a self-created vision of oneself? The old me would never have imagined she could become the person she is today, so how do I know that life won't take another about turn in the next few years? In just this past year especially, so many things have changed. Time & again, life shows me that I am not in control of anything, not even myself! Just as I'm beginning on one path, life snatches me up & drops me down somewhere else! Layers & layers have been shed, sometimes forcefully torn away from me, but thankfully, what is left is always more beautiful. Ambitions? Goals? What is there to do in life except to find out who I am? & by 'I', I'm not referring to the I who loves ice cream, the I who wants to change the world, the I who detests sour dough cookies; I mean the I who is beyond all that. Life is so short, so fleeting; why to create tension, why to aspire to achieve things which cannot be carried into the grave? For years & years, even before my yogic journey began, the only constant I have found within is love. No, not even God! Because to me, love is God. To me, God is not someone sitting above the clouds. He is within. He is without. He is in between. Where there is love, there is God. So for now, all I can say is that I am living love. If the Universe could bring me this far, I'm sure it will bring me wherever it is I need to be in the days to come. All I have to do is just live my truth & share love. I am grateful for this life. Every few weeks I get all soppy & teary eyed for seemingly no reason. The most weirdest-est time was when I was sitting alone on my friend's balcony in Delhi & saw a plane & two eagles flying in the same direction at the same speed & just burst into tears...LMAO..! There's so much truth within this song. The irony of life, the trials & tribulations of spirituality, that seeking for truth...it can be a tough journey. But I wouldn't have it any other way. There is much more 'breaking' to be done, but since it has been proven time & again that what comes after is always much more blissful, I accept. Anything which leads me astray from You, let it burn into ashes; even my own bullshit ideas & beliefs. Let there be nothing left within but You. Grateful for my biological parents who are crazy in their extremely differing yet similar ways, for passing down their Crazy genes to me, & for giving their unspoken blessings in my journey. For their spouses, who take such good care of my parents, so that I don't have to worry about their well-being, & I can travel freely. Grateful for my Teacher-ji, Deep; for his guidance & direction, even when I was not aware of what he was doing, even when he seemed out of the picture, bugger was still somewhere there...oh damn, there is no escape, hahahahah..! This man played a big role in moulding me into the person I am today. Finally, this trip he has given me my Sannyas name. To me, those few moments were enough of a Sannyas celebration for me, worth more than any Sannyas initiation/celebration. Grateful for my beloved cat, Karas...oh, meri jaan...some things can never be said; perhaps only you & I know the sacrifices you made for me. For my best friends who I have not spoken much to this past month...love is the connecting factor to everything & everyone. Although with some of you, our paths are different, & we don't see each other much or even rarely speak, my love for you is as strong as ever. Hell, I think one or two of you probably don't even know you are my best friends, LMAO...yep I'm undercover like that, yo! For new friendships forged...thank you for being you, & for sincerely sharing in this madness called life! Grateful for the gift of yoga. Yoga is not about the shape of your body, it is about the shape of your life. It is about going deeper into yourself, so that you can then relate to others. It is about creating awareness within yourself, so that you can live each moment in totality. It is about celebrating this madness called life! One can have a spiritual experience anywhere in the world, but somehow India always impacts me greatly. Let's see what happens during our next meeting! (By the way I did not cry upon landing & take off this trip, bahahahah!) I'm grateful for the freedom to explore her lands & mingle with her people. I must have done something right in a past life to deserve this one. That WTF feeling when you want to express something, but can’t. I'm kicking it in Delhi, yet been typing & backspacing like crazy for half a day. So much feels, yet I can’t find the right words to perfectly express them. You know that feeling where everything's awesome, life is great & you're in 'The Zone'...but it would be so much better if that one person were there with you? Fuck, yaar...all yoga & meditation practices, down the drain! Bahahahahah! Enjoying it, though! There is beauty in the nuances of life, in the rawness of human emotion, be it happiness, sadness, joy, grief, fear, excitement...& I am thoroughly enjoying drowning in this chaos. O Govinda! Feeling Your separation I am considering a moment to be like twelve years or more. Tears are flowing from my eyes like torrents of rain, & I am feeling all vacant in the world in Your absence. - Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu (Sri Siksastakam Verse 7) – Love it when I read words which perfectly describe what I cannot describe. This song is one of my current obsessions. Such beautiful lyrics! It is always an ongoing battle between the head & the heart. The mind wants to control everything, down to the tiniest detail. It demands certainty...no surprises, gotdang it!
To some, the heart may seem like an impatient fool burning his tongue again & again every morning while sipping on his favourite hot chai: 'Idiot, if you would just wait for a while & let it cool!'...but such is the madness of the heart. It is devoid of logic & reason. It is a courageously impulsive bugger. It just knows, 'Okey, now this,' & *boom*. I used to be an over-planner. Everything had to be planned & prepared down to the most minute detail, ASAFP. But life has shown me that not everything is 'plan-able'. Sometimes you just have to jump first, think later. But more often than not, you can have a plan, but you have to remain flexible enough to adapt to any change which happens along the way. Well, it seems I've gone to the other end of the spectrum now - too relaxed, bahahahahah...I didn't really know who what where why when how, I just knew I wanted to be here in India. & here I am. Grateful for every experience, grateful for good friends, grateful for this life. Ah, mama India...every time I return, you teach me so much. Just to sit on your lap is a blessing. Sometimes, the things, places, & people we hold dearest to our hearts teach us the biggest lessons. Hope this post makes sense, I literally can't brain much at the moment. Image from www.scoopwhoop.com That moment you understand that everything happens for a reason, & that you are that much better off now because of all that shit... & then you think back on your old self & be like, ‘Damn, I was pretty much a dumb ass back then huh? Bahahahahah!' When the idea of relationships was that it would be the two of you against the world, for ever & ever (oh, the horror!), that you'd be joined at the hip for the rest of your lives (holy smokes!)...dayummm, son! Oh sweet bejesus, those were crazy times..! A few days ago I was watching the travel channel & they were advertising a beach side resort as a location for a romantic getaway. Oh geez, maybe it's because I rarely watch TV, or that I never before noticed how they have always been airing cheesy overrated stuff like this...but I was like, 'Homaigot, not boring ah every day every where hold hand! Snorkeling also hold hand, eat dinner also hold hand! Aiyooo sien lah weh!' Seriously though, I'd rather have a best friend than a metaphorical conjoined twin. Bohot cheesy hogaya...& everything doing together, boring lah weh, give some air to breathe can ah!?! Until when want to drama drama like this woh, suffocating, sial! :P :P :P 'What time are you coming home?' 'Why are you looking at him/her?' 'Are you seriously going to wear that?' 'Who are you talking to?' Homaigot, my brain will break..! Life is so much better when you don't have to answer these questions. If you are lucky enough to have found someone who is on the same wavelength, then jackpot! But most of the time...hmmm! Maybe experiences have turned me into a cynic, but I’m not completely in the clear yet, dear friends! I still do have my dumb ass moments every once in a while…bahahahahah! So what really is love? If you're not living your lives together, is it still love? If the other’s actions determine the amount & quality of your love towards them, is it really love, then? Actually, what the hell has any of this have to do with what you are choosing to put out there? Is the age-old model of love, as dictated by society, really love? There is a very beautiful phrase by Rumi: Two lanterns hang alone, yet their light mingles as one. Indeed, aloneness is the very basis of all relationships. You have to really know what you’re about, & to be damn bloody sure about it, before you can relate to another. The beauty of loving in aloneness is that you are free to love the other in your own way. & loving another does not necessarily mean that you have to be physically close, it does not mean you have to talk the whole day, it doesn’t even mean that you have to be in an ‘official’ relationship. Sometimes, it even means that you have to step away because that's what's best for both parties. Even without the other's presence, a heart that loves totally is a heart that is loyal & devoted. Yes, some people are capable of polyamory, but I'm speaking purely on my experience here. To some, it may seem like utter foolishness. But the heart sees no other option. It can't convince itself not to love. To deny itself its feelings would be to suppress its truth. Love can happen in silence, it can happen without the other even knowing it, or heck, without you yourself even knowing it! Yes, it has its own magical way of sneaking up on people like that, the cunning bastard! <3 The heart wants what it wants, regardless of what the mind says, regardless of what others say. So why to fight it? To be able to love, & to have found someone/people who you love deeply, is a blessing. The best things in life are unexplainable, & that’s what makes them so miraculous. Maybe you randomly meet someone, &…you just know. Even though maybe at that time your mind refuses to acknowledge the fact. Lastly, a heart which has tasted freedom will never create a prison for the other. It allows total freedom, because the image of dank prison walls & cast iron bars still weigh heavy in its mind’s eye. Love’s secret is that you must love without desires that bind. Hafiz, enjoy the one you love, drink deep and embrace; seek not with her to please your world, just give love and be kind. - Hafiz Shirazi - Two persons absolutely complete in their individual aloneness are not dependent on each other. Their giving & sharing is totally because of an overflowing of love, without expecting anything in return. It is the culmination of all these things which makes a love like this so pure & divine. There are no laws to bind it, no guidelines to dictate how it should proceed, no regulations as to how long it will last. Even the heart itself does not know how long it will love; here today, maybe gone tomorrow...so while love is there, why to not go totally into it? Look at a rose flower dancing in the wind, & in the rain, & in the sun...
It is very fragile; by the evening, its petals will be thrown in all directions. But while it was, it was tremendous; while it was, it was more than any rock. The rock will remain, the rock is permanent; the flower will comes & go. The higher the value, the more fragile it is. - Osho - Aapan gaand hawai, dusar ke kare dawai. (There are wounds on your own ass & you are putting medicine on another’s.) For the past few weeks, one of the things which has weighed heavy on my mind is the subject of relationships. After risking a very precious friendship (read more in my old blog here), I asked myself, ‘What is all this hullabaloo about human connections?’, ‘Is there any error on my part as to how I have been relating to others?’ Quite recently, I received one of the best & juiciest pieces of advice ever: Whatever it is, just say thank you & give your blessings. You cannot have even a tiny ounce of ill-will, or else the blessing cannot manifest. You cannot throw your shit out on others, it’s your own responsibility to handle your shit. If you have shit inside you: go to the toilet, close the door, shit it out, wash your own ass, pull your pants up, & come out of the toilet. Don’t just sit there & expect someone else to wash your ass for you. Maybe your own mother can wash your ass for you, but even then, she can’t do it for you all the time! Bahahahahah! Love it! Besides, dear friends, I’m sure you have been on the receiving end of all this shit-throwing at least once in your life! Remember that one friend who was going through a break up/didn’t get into college/was having a hard time in life/yadda yadda yadda & called you out for coffee & here you were trying to cheer them up but they refused to come out of that shithole? & to make matters worse, maybe they even started giving you a hard time for no reason? Heckuva lot of fun that was, huh? I’m all for people helping other people. But I don’t believe in being someone’s punching bag. Yes, the idealist Libra in me still very much hopes for someone who will walk me through life & help me through every up & down. But at the same time, the realist in me understands that at the end of the day, it is still my own goddamn responsibility to save myself. Not a very nice thought, considering all those Disney cartoons I’ve been watching since toddlerhood. Goddamn social conditioning! I could go on & on about this. But what I’ve learned is:
I did this piece last July: Ripple Effect. Core Connections. Each soul we cross paths with affects us to a certain extent, whether we like it or not, & whether we realize it or not. The question is, how many actually touch your very centre? How many do you allow close enough to see your one, true self? & how many are sincere enough to want to know the real you? Given these two variables, how many people have touched your centre? According to mainstream ideology, our relationships with the people we love would remain the same forever. (Un)Fortunately, life isn’t always this way. We each have our own thing to do in life, our own lessons we have come to this world to learn. & that may mean that our paths will separate. Life is a never-ending journey. Like a train ride, it stops at various stations; some people get off the train, some get on. Some stay. The thing is, we can never really fully control who gets on or off, & who stays. Ironically, this is the beauty of life – not knowing. But that doesn’t mean that out of all these people, some are ‘better’ than others. Regardless of how our relationship with each one of them is, they all played a part in shaping us into the person we are today, & vice versa. Aapan gaand hawai, dusar ke kare dawai. Check yourself. It's not your job to think for someone else. But it is your job to think for yourself. Do you, & everything else will work out just fine. ;) The Sufi meditation retreat was oshemmm! It’s always amazing how just a few days, or even, just a moment, can change your whole life! The practice which blew my mind was the one which did not really interest me in the beginning: Gurdjieff movements. The very first time I watched a Gurdjieff movement performance on YouTube, I was like, ‘What. Da. Fuq.’ *rolls eyeballs emoticon* It came across as a very robotic, & emotionless dance which made no sense whatsoever. It did not appeal to me at all. However, now I understand the real purpose of these movements. Dayuuummm, son…I stand corrected…it is a tough practice, yooo..! Our teacher said, ‘It’s not about learning the movements. It’s about learning about yourself. Watch your habit. What is your learning style? Do you depend a lot on others, or are you able to learn by yourself? How do you react when you fuck up?’ Okey lah, he did not say the f word…but you get what I mean…heheh… Watch your habit. Those words are still ringing in my mind till today. We learn the movements in parts – hands, legs, then combine both. Each movement needs to be precise, & you cannot add any shimmies nor sashays as you like. Which explains why it looks robot-ish. No expressions either, & you are to look straight ahead throughout. The movements challenge your coordination & awareness. Even one tiny moment of distraction & bye bye, you’re out of sync with the rest of the group! Distractions? Ain't nobody got time fo dat! Oh yeah, did I mention that some movements require stepping forwards & backwards, & therefore even though looking forward, you still have to make sure that you keep in line with the others??? In my mind I was like, ‘TEACHER. My eyes so small, how???’ All those years of piano lessons, Girl Guide/Vanguard marching, yoga, weeks of drum circle & dancing FINALLY add up! Sheesh! For me, it wasn’t that difficult executing the movements separately. But when he said, ‘Now arms & legs’, I would go into a state of half shock...sometimes I wouldn’t even attempt to combine both movements, because if I did, my mind immediately went blank! Something which totally relates to my life, because I’ve always been afraid of trying things which seem daunting. Watch your habit. Each moment, watching, watching, watching. I find that this is one of the juicy things of life I have been searching for. I guess I had taken for granted this thing called awareness. Thank heavens I have been reminded & brought back down to earth. Watch your habit. When you can do the movements, how do you respond? When you make a mistake, how do you respond? Do you criticize yourself, or do you immediately try to get back into the groove? Where is your attention? What’s going on inside? So. Again, I stand corrected. On the outside, it looks like a lifeless dance. But inside each & every dancer, who knows? I see the similarities of Gurdjieff movements with yoga. In yoga, we call this looking inward: Svadhyaya - self-study. Many say that yoga is boring, too slow-paced for their liking; when in fact, a practitioner needs to be aware of a multitude of things – alignment of every body part, breath, external stimuli, internal ongoings…aiyooo..! Tattoos carry deep spiritual meanings for me. I got this one in January 2015, a few months after completing my first Yoga TTC. The intention I set into it was:
Risk everything for awareness, but never risk awareness for anything... This is the commitment of a sannyasin: that he is ready to lose his life but not his awareness; he has found a value which is higher than life. There is no other value which is higher than awareness. Awareness is the seed of godliness in you... - Osho - Lost my way, but glad that I am back on my path. Grateful for everything. 'Sometimes I hate the words, 'still crying although you're a grown up'. The truth is, the more I grow, the more I mature, the more I cry. Crying when I was younger, did not hurt as much as crying during adulthood.' Wasn’t life much simpler as a child? When you knew nothing about consequences, & just blindly did whatever you wanted to, & then whatever the outcome was, you just dealt with it there & then? What in actuality is innocence? & how much can one afford to stay innocent? Is being innocent or 'un-innocent' a choice we are able to make, in the first place? Or is one just destined to be come into & go out of this world that way? What is the difference between innocence & foolishness? I love this meme. It made me realize that the harsh truth that, sometimes, the more I experience life, the harder it gets to just live & let live. If you have always done the same thing, without getting the results you wanted, is it mere innocence or sheer foolishness to continue on doing the same thing? But at the same time, although you are doing the same thing, in each situation, many, if not all, external stimuli differ, things which are beyond our control…so how? Try, try again? Maybe it depends on what you are willing to risk. Are you willing to risk a heckuva lot of money to invest in a new business venture? Are you willing to risk a friendship, in order to pursue a relationship? Are you willing to risk your mind, in order to gain your sanity? Maybe it depends on where your heart is? How strongly you feel about something, regardless of what is at stake? ‘No mind’, ‘be present’; yes, these are the main purposes of meditation & yoga, but dayum, where does one draw the line between right & wrong usage of brain in processing past experiences? Knowing pain & hardship, one requires much more courage to maneuver through life with a pure heart. Fear of failure & difficult emotions is hard to push aside. Sometimes life is easier when you don’t know shiz, when the whole world seems like an idyllic fairyland. But at the same time, being the person you are right now, would you want to go back in time & erase any experiences you’ve had? Considering that everything good & bad has worked to mold you into who & what you are this very moment, & if you never went through all that, you wouldn’t be any wiser? Which will you have: wise madness, or foolish sanity? - Miguel de Cervantes - Where can one purchase wise madness? & how much do I have to pay for it? Osho talks on innocence, & keeping the child within us alive.
It's been more than a week since the Melting Into the Heart meditation course ended. Man oh man, what great times... Upon returning to Kuala Lumpur, I developed a mild fever & sore throat, which gradually progressed into a bad sore throat, cough & loss of voice. Dayummm son, it was the first time in my life I'd ever lost my voice! You can imagine my horror when halfway through teaching a class, my voice started failing me! & to wake up every subsequent morning after that, afraid to even 'try out' my voice, in case it hadn't come back yet...sheesh! I even had to cancel a class due to this voicelessness! Now I know that one of the most important assets a yoga teacher has to possess is not a flexible body - it is a clear voice! Doubly horrifying was the fact that it was our meditation teacher's last weekend here in KL, & he damn sempoi (happening) one you know, so I had huge intentions of kacau-ing (disturbing) him, & had many serious life questions to ask as well. But...now no voice, then how!!! Homaigot. But then I realized, having to keep silent brought with it another blessing. It forced me to really observe my surroundings, & most importantly, myself. What I really loved about our retreat is that it was focused a lot on awareness. I will go more into detail about this in my next post :) Anyways. Going voiceless made me ponder my FIPs (First Important Priorities). Let's look at it this way: if you had a limited number of words you could use a day, how would you use them? How would you choose to react to every situation which comes your way? It was like I was forced to take a step back & just completely be in the moment, sometimes even without any option of reacting. & somehow, I slipped easily into that place of not reacting. Not sure why, because I can be a drama queen sometimes, but most of the time, things just didn't seem worth reacting or responding to. Another interesting thing I have noticed is that the mind really does create a heckuva lot of shit! I can have a million & one questions, but when the teacher appears in front of me, all questions disappear. All problems fade into the distance. This is not the first time it has happened! It just seems futile asking. Maybe it is an energy transfer or something like that, but again the mind is definitely not happy every time this happens! It goes, 'Ask lah, why you don't ask! Already thinking thinking long time want to ask, why you don't ask now!' but deep inside me, I know that there is no point in doing so. 'This teacher very bad, he always make people cry!' & no, I did not cry when saying goodbye to teacher!........until approximately five minutes later. Huhuhu... This whole experience has also reinforced my belief that silence conveys more than words ever can, & that energy is all that matters. Sometimes, words spoil everything. They are necessary, but sometimes can create a barrier too. Odd words to come from a writer. Hahahahah... So yeah, it's all about the energy, baby! & if you can be in comfortable silence with another, it is a very beautiful thing. I'd forgotten about this poem I wrote few months ago. Every now & then it is an intense struggle to express myself in writing. True enough, for the past few weeks, words have left me, & no poems are coming through me.
I hope they come back soon, but in the meantime, I'm pretty content with things as they are. :) |
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About Prabh LehriI am a yoga teacher based in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I am passionate about yoga as a form of healing on the physical, emotional & mental level. I have been on a yoga journey for almost a decade and have been formally sharing my experience in the last 4 years. Archives
December 2017
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